Waterstain spotted on Mars! Catastrophic floods on Earth! Sex with robots! 15 million T-Mobile customers hacked! Manhattan worth $1,497 a square foot! Drone app more offensive than drone bombs! Government really sucks sometimes!

A young man bit a cop’s finger while in police custody, 10 Puerto Rican officers were bagged by the FBI for alleged corruption, and other stories from the field.

It’s my birthday! VW pollutes a little illegally and a lot legally! Gov loses millions of fingerprints! Pregnant women really wet the whistle! So many brain implants it’s starting to getting weird!

Delaware police shot 28-year-old Jeremy “Bam” McDole until he fell out of his wheelchair. Meanwhile in Brazil, cops killed a 11-year-old child in Rio de Janeiro, the sixth child under the age of 14 to have died at the hands of police in the city this year.

In the midst of trying to nix my public school’s controversial admissions policy, I might have met the director of Reqiuem for a Dream. Who knows, though. That was years ago.

HBA, KTZ, and Phoebe English suggest we take style inspiration from deconstructionism in 2016 – a movement created by 90s estranged and broke designers of London and Antwerp.

Guantanamo Tinder! Bear Selfies! One in five teens Wake for Facebook! Antidepressants have been dangerous all along! Internet cables sabotaged! Roomba on track for world domination! Chimps love horror films! It Gets Better campaign gets worse!

Greek police clash with anarchists in Exarchia. In Egypt, police shoot at Mexican tourists mistaken for Islamist militants.

Placing bets on rising sea levels! Queen is super-richer than ever! Hipster funerals creates cemetery crisis! Luxury tanks for the classy war-criminal! Half of us have Diabetes! Radioactive waste collected during Fukushima cleanup washes back into floodwaters! Apple designed a Pencil!

Meanwhile, the police who shot Antonio Zambrano-Montes were also not indicted. In Greece, police attack refugees from Syria, Afghanistan, and Iraq.

With this list you will literally be the coolest person this season.

How did queer go from celebrating difference to mocking everything that isn’t queer? Our new columnist Fuck Theory traces the roots of queer theory and where things went astray.

Bad News Returns! Markets strangely volatile given stable society. Alaska losing 70 gigatons of ice to melting each year, tee hee. More guns sold to Americans last month than any other month on record!

Meanwhile, NYPD Commissioner Bill Bratton tries to revive the widely condemned Moynihan Report.

This month, we turn to the Hacker for inspiration. We’ll reach our hand out of the vortex, hoping they’ll grab it, and forgive us for calling them nerds.

September will feel very short for how busy we’re all going to be. It’s too late in the year to focus on anything we don’t take seriously – and we shouldn’t take anything too seriously if it doesn’t bring us joy.