Let's see here ... yep, just as I suspected. Last week was really fucked up. Every week, Bad News explains just how much worse off we are now.
Past Bad News Entries
Just Be Thankful You’re Not A (Noun)
The UFO Was More of a Metaphor
This Immortality Is out of Your Price Range
When It Rains, It Pours
Too Much of a Bad Thing
This Too Shall Come Too Late
I Can Cry If I Want To
I Think You Know What the Problem Is Just as Well as I Do
The Key to the Abyss Is Turning
Bad News by Tyler Reinhard
No News is Good News, the Superpost
I called in sick last week, sorry about that. I had this really sore throat and I just don’t think I could have focused on my studies.
Lot’s of exciting stuff in the works here at Mask Magazine, most importantly we coerced a young and desperate intern into working for us for free! And by that I mean I wrote a twitter bot. Wahoo for dumb shit!
Like I said, I missed last week, so brace yourself for a bit of a superpost. The last two weeks of Bad News, neatly arranged like gravestones. If you haven’t done this before, launch a fresh browser window, prepare to open a lot of tabs, and press play on the soundtrack:
Monday, March 9
The week started in Dubai, where the world’s first solar flight around the world took off in the early hours of the morning. There’s something about the prospect of unlimited energy from the sun that actually sounds terrible to me: can you imaging this society going on forever? Yech.
Here’s a good example of the pure horror of an unstoppable civilization: scientists prove they could implant completely synthetic memories into mice. I already have a hard enough time knowing when I’m awake and when I’m asleep, last thing I need is to worry about foreign agents fucking with the integrity of m’brain.
It’s not all so bad though, the Social Security Administration reported today that over six and a half million social security numbers belonging to people who would be older than 112 are still collecting money. Thank God people don’t actually live that long – it’s likely that almost all of those are being used fraudulently, seeing as there are only 35 people that old still alive on the planet.
And speaking of never dying, Google Ventures announced today that it would be financing the search for immortality via life-extending technology. Wahoo, dystopia!
Given the choice between this dog that can smell cancer in urine, and an Orwellian data-ravenous megacorporation, I’d sooner trust my immortality to the beasts.
Tuesday, March 10
Tuesday began like most Tuesdays: full of mortifying racism. Video surfaced of brothers at Sigma Alpha Epsilon, one of the largest fraternities in North America, singing an overtly racist “fight song”. The cute number goes a’ little something like this – *clears throat: me me me meee* – “You can hang them from a tree, but they’ll never sign with me, there will never be a nigger SAE!” I truly cannot wait to dine on the southern aristocracy after the great retaking ... or we ‘lose’ them to another Titanic, whichever comes first.
And while we’re on the subject of sinking billions of dollars into the void, Moon Express, a commercial space flight company, has signed a deal with NASA to take over Space Launch Complex 36 at Cape Canaveral and begin speculative launches for moon minerals like gold, cobalt, iron, palladium, platinum, and tungsten. If there are any natives up there – I say, as my eyes glow yellow and a wicked grin curls at my lips – I sure hope they’re hostile! Down with colonialism!
And what’s this from the California-sliding-into-the-ocean desk? Ah yes, the latest! Scholars at the U.S. Geological Survey revised the risk of a 8.0 or higher megaquake, saying the due date for such an event is more than 100 years sooner than previously expected. Stupid no-good dirty fault lines existing under densely populated urban areas, how’d you get there?!
More from Snowden today, as evidence of a CIA program that distributed malware to developers in the hopes of cracking iOS devices through the app store. I can’t imagine this is going over well at Apple, especially after I saw this leaked footage of Apple’s VP of marketing Phil Schiller Facetiming with CIA engineers.
And in a final twist at the end of today’s LOST episode, the camera has framed a shot of a beautiful Australian beach. Sea birds squawk in the distance, orange light fills the sky, waves gently lap against the sand, and the shot tightens, panning to the water’s edge. There, nestled between some twigs and salty sea foam, the package of a single disposable towellette bearing the words Malaysia Airlines bobs along with the tide. Cue the music!
Wednesday, March 11
Only two things happened today. First, a small island simply emerged out of the pacific ocean – cue the music! – and second, Seniors at an Albuquerque high school voted for a communism-themed prom. Full Prommunism!
Thursday, March 12
Today was really just the last moment in a chain of events that began at the exact moment Gabriele D’Annunzio, the infamous proto-fascist poet and journalist, ejaculated into a hankerchief in 1916 and gave it to Countess Olda Levi Brunner. A report came out today that revealed a team of scientists in Italy has completely reconstructed the DNA found on the scum bag’s cum-rag – the first time such a procedure has resulted in clonable genetic material of a historical figure.
In apocalypse news – and really, what of this weekly report isn’t – a rare snowstorm completely shut down a highway near Mexico City for over nine hours today.
I had all this witty shit to say about this story where a man’s penis literally breaks in half mid-fucking, but now I’m looking at the time and realizing I really gotta finish this article and really who cares, so here: “I heard it snap!”
What else happened today? Hmm. Not much. Except I guess this quiet little meeting that barely made the news where the world’s superpowers consider lifting sanctions on Iran.
Friday, March 13
Didn’t we just have a Friday the 13th? Surely bad luck is in store for these elephants, who the U.S. Military is currently training to smell explosives.
A Google internet balloon fell out of the sky today near a remote Veracruz village in central Mexico, freaking everyone the fuck out.
Ok. As you know I pay probably too much attention to news items that seem a little eugenics-y. Well, in today’s installment: scientists in the good ol’ US of A are developing a method of editing human ovarian tissues into new and improved eggs cells, with less risk of disease ... I dunno, maybe lighter skin, trimmer abs, bigger frontal lobes, who knows!?
Saturday, March 14
You know when you’re standing in front of your refrigerator, staring at zero food, wondering how you’re going to eat this week, or looking at your bank account and realizing you might not be able to make rent this month, or just waiting for the bus to take you to some shitty job that is completely meaningless and a waste of your skills and interests ... and you think to yourself: “I wonder how I’m going to fund the space program?” Yeah, me too. And, you know, it’s so nice knowing we’re not alone and our elected representatives are busy taking this serious issue seriously. It’s a miracle they can even hear each other over the growling of our empty stomachs.
But it could be worse than your half empty bottle of ketchup and some dried out tortillas: this Oregon man has been sitting in jail for 900 days without having committed a crime, simply because he won’t agree to testify in the prosecution of someone else.
Sunday, March 15
Suuuper exciting news day: Elton John got in a Twitter beef with Italian luxury designers Dolce & Gabbana over some quasi-homophobic remarks about same-sex parents. On the heals of another scandal – feminists who are upset about this gang-bang ad – I’m almost convinced the whole thing was an elaborate marketing campaign. Honestly, could I give less of a fuck about any of these people? I feel the same way about the moral compass of D&G as I do about the insecurities of ultra-rich celebrities: “I can’t wait to storm your houses and take your shit”.
Somehow the biggest news of the day actually happened on an HBO show: during the true-crime miniseries The Jinx, millionaire sketchbag Robert Durst confessed to the murders for which he was suspected in what he thought was an empty bathroom. In fact, his microphone was still hot, and the HBO crew caught it all on tape. Or disk. Or whatever the fuck people use now – you know what I mean, he spilled the beans! “What did I do? Killed them all, of course!” And the crowd goes wild.
Lastly, here’s a video of anti-police activists marching through Portland cafés during a Black Brunch action. Even though I’m a miserable grouch who has absolutely zero optimisim re race and class relations in the US, I still think these have an interesting finalé – uncomfortable middle class white people taking a moment to stand from their eggs benedict in solidarity. Especially when I imagine some future civil war where the white bourgeois form several critically-important “fodder” batallions in my infantry brigades. Brave allies, to the front!
Monday, March 16
An update from the ongoing civil war: a report published today found that – not surprisingly – property values in Ferguson, MO have been in freefall since unrest began there last August.
Nothing else happened today, unless you count the growing movement of hippie wieners trying to grant 16 year olds the right to vote in San Francisco.
Tuesday, March 17
Facebook, the little blue pebble in my shoe, announced today that they would be rolling out new features to facilitate micropayments between contacts through its messenger app. Pretty soon you’ll be able to give Facebook all your credit card information so you can get your friend back for cab fare, can you wait? You can’t wait, can you? I mean, I see you there. You obviously can’t wait.
France just passed a law that will basically allow euthanasia. The “Deep Sleep Bill” provides an end-of-life option for those suffering terminal diseases wherein they can be put into a deep sleep until they eventually pass away. I thought this was not bad news at all, quite a sweet gesture of humanity in a society that generally criminalizes the ultimate act of mercy in terminal illnesses. Of course, as I outlined in my last report, France is the most fascist country in the Europe right now, so there’s that.
Apparently Kim Jong-un has never officially left North Korea. I can’t say that comes as a surprise, but I was a little bit suprised that he’s stepping out for a bit to visit Russia for the 70th anniversary of their triumph over the Nazis.
Today in noooooooooo news, if you live in Brooklyn, NY (like I do) and have a spare ten hundred dollars (like I don’t) you can enroll in this adult pre-school and fingerpaint your demons away. Remember to walk – not run – so you don’t twist an ankle when you step over a homeless person on your way in, and remember to use your indoor voice.
Wednesday, March 18
Let’s see here, the Israeli elections happened (bad news, there). The Secret Service wants to build a fake White House. The Swedish Central Bank unsuspetedly dropped its key interest rate even lower to maintain a small but steady trend toward inflation. A racist goes on a shooting spree and despite having neo-nazi tattoos literally on his face, authorities are still not sure he was a racist. Annnnd, a church in San Francisco is drenching homeless people sleeping on their steps with an elaborate sprinkler system.
But here’s the goods: #blockupy.
Thursday, March 19
Get your slingshots ready, kids, the FAA has officially given Amazon permission to start delivering packages by drone, aka let the scoring-sweet shit-from-the-sky games begin.
More drone news: the news is now using drones.
Friday, March 20
Ricky Jackson, a black man from Ohio who was wrongfully imprisoned for 39 years, was released and given $1 million for his patience. I’m happy he got something for this farce, but that’s still less than he could have made bagging groceries at Wal Mart for the last 4 decades, and a lot less than living his life free and unencombered by structural racism and abject ruin should cost the assholes who fucked this up.
Saturday, March 21
Have you ever touched your pants pocket and realized you left your phone at home and thought for a second that you could literally kill everyone if it meant your phone would just be back in your pocket? Me too. And we’re not alone: a 12-year-old girl in Colorado may face attempted murder charges after allegedly trying to kill her mom twice for confiscating her iPhone. I know the feeling, bb.
Hey, here’s a little fluff piece about how the US is evacuating the last of its Special Ops forces from Yemen.
Smugglers are using drones to deliver contraband to prisons – because I’m a nerd I’m allowed to like this sort of crime, okay?!
Sunday, March 22
More secret Nazi lairs have been discovered in the Argentinian jungle! My fav.
Middle fingers in the air: the Chicago police department is filing lawsuits to keep their secret activist spying programs a secret. The StingRay technology they use to intercept and interrupt cell data is getting some heat, but the cops say “... but we don’t wanna stoppp” like a bunch of fucking babies. Secrets, secrets don’t make friends.
I read about this study that daily short 45 minute naps could improve your memory up to five times its normal capacity. I would make a joke about how I read it and forgot about it or something, but I’m really too tired to even try.
Today, Starbucks announced it would be ending their suuuuper savvy and culturally-sensitive #RaceTogether campaign prematurely after an outcry about its ... who would have guessed ... racial insensitivity.
Hey Starbucks, you want to know what “raising awareness and starting productive conversations” on social media looks like? Try these kids in Baltimore who are getting busted for using Twitter to collectively cheat on standardized tests. I slowly raise my proud high-school dropout fist.
Tune in next week:
Self-driving cars deprive racist cops from that sweet, sweet profiling stipend! Poll finds absolutely no one cares about the next presidential election!