• The It's Over Issue

    Dan’s Relationship Advice

    The It's Over Issue
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    Dan Knows Best

    Relationship Advice

    People often ask me for relationship advice so I am finally throwing the dog a bone. You asked, I answered, and I apologize in advance but honestly, you got yourself into this mess.


    How do I stop liking older men (20 years my senior) and start dating men my own age (27)? Navigating the Brooklyn dating scene is like looking for something recognizable at the other end of a garbage disposal.

    You should definitely curb your sexual appetite for older men and trade that shit in for something more conventional! Just kidding. Actually no I’m not lol. Since I don’t care about appearing to be sex negative, dating people considerably older than you is kind of weird. I would just hang out with your friends as much as possible, and slowly you will meet some mutuals. Eventually you will discover a whole new group of friends then you can bang them all one by one and voila, you’ll probably still be the same person.

    Will she like me more if I’m gay as hell?

    No, but on the bright side, you can get drunk any week day and she wouldn’t be able to stop you. The best part about being gay is that you can get rip roaring wasted at any moment and no one would expect any less. Yell at people. Put the rainbow over your Facebook picture. Stay out till four then go to work mad late and lose your job. Leave work early and hit the bottle if you don't get canned. Maybe build a salad? Whatever you decide, she’s already moved on.

    I'm a sober person. What are some good ideas for a fun date?!

    What???

    Are there any good straight men out there?

    Hell fucking no there are not. They are all vile fucking scum.

    Is it possible to be with someone who you can't stand kissing but you like the attention they give you? Is that selfish? What if they don't mind because they like you a lot?

    It’s definitely possible but it’s definitely selfish! You’re probably putting each other through hell. Have you tried getting an intern?

    How do you force yourself to be in love with someone?

    If you can’t love yourself how the hell are you gonna love somebody else? Sike! Who cares, you’re gonna grow to resent them anyways, don’t even bother.

    How do you get over someone who has already gotten over you?

    Sign them up for a bunch of mailing lists so they are in a constant state of unrest. Then you will truly find peace.

    I have inadvertently dated a lot of gay guys (I’m a girl). How can I make sure this doesn’t happen again, and what does it say about me as a person and a partner?

    Dear Huntress,

    You’ll just have to hold out for the right straight guy who is more in touch with his feminine and emotional side. It could take decades and he might (definitely will) be totally fugly. Sorry you just can’t have it all.

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