Thumbs Up If You’re Reading This In 2016
Six things to do when your favorite trends are dead as a doornail
“I used to wear Moschino, but every bitch got it.”
It’s just after midnight and you’re 160 weeks deep into your own Instagram, imagining you’re a secret admirer instead of a lonely narcissist. Wow! The Jeffrey Campbell Lita boots, the drape-y leather jacket, the leopard print bodycon dress, the snapback with the big word on it...damn, your NYE 2012 look was straight fire. Unfortunately, trends haven’t worked out so well for you since. Nobody in their right mind is going that far back in your Instagram; the evidence of your previous hotness is worthless. You’d love to have that look back in your life, but you don’t know how. Can you even? You can.
Here are six ways you can sort it all out:
1. Don’t abandon the trend, but keep it to yourself. Wear your galaxy print leggings underneath more relevant pants and let them be your freaky secret. Stuff a few tufts of your ombré hair into a locket. Turn your Pyrex Vision into a quilt. Still love that Kim K full contour with the strong brow? Talk to your loved ones about open casket make-up options.
2. Put a new twist on your trend by pairing it with a seemingly incompatible concept. It’s the oldest one weird trick in the book. Here are a few ideas: Talbots Nightcore, Infant Sociopath, Energy Drink Spokesmodel Ballerina, Ibogaine Chic, Witchy Defense Contractor. You get the idea. It’s really that simple. Entire irreverent millennial magazines have been built around this formula.
3. Showcase your continued participation publicly. You want to send the message that you're vaguely aware that the trend is over (or that it ever existed), but you’re not petty enough to give a shit. It needs to be detached and smug, e.g., a variation on “is this health goth” as an Instagram caption would work well. It’s a transparent tactic, but similarly self-conscious friends and followers will find it relatable and consequently like you more.
4. Shop impulsively. Buy as much of the dwindling vestiges of your beloved, moribund look as possible and pile up the purchases in, say, your living room. You’ll thank yourself when that hoard comes back en vogue.
5. Step out of your environment. A day trip to the mall is a great way to revive a look, if even for only a few hours. The Nasir Mazhar AW14 inspired thing you’re still doing is going to solicit a teenaged yaassss or two, that’s for sure.
6. Try Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. If you’re over the age of 16, CBT might be a great way to work through the emotionally immature egocentrism that’s fueling your wardrobe related anxieties.
If trend deaths are a constant source of grief, you may want to invest your money and time in understated, timeless looks instead. Shirts with thumbholes, fingerless gloves, toe socks, and stirrup tights are a few examples of classic pieces that should be well represented in your closet. You can also buy a few things from Uniqlo or whatever. Don’t forget about accessories. A sugar free Red Bull is a universally flattering statement piece that you can rock in the break room or the bedroom. Remember: a scowl never goes out of style.
Once you have the basics covered, it’s easier to get away with a played out get-up. I’ve been told that having good basics makes you look rich, and rich people can literally wear anything and it’s fine.