• The Mommy Issue

    Summer 2016 Trend Predictions

    The Mommy Issue
    Dan columnart

    Welcome my world. This is where I chronicle my pedestrian life, spread the message of hope and peace, and try to hide the fact that I’m a self-indulgent poser and gay psycho.

    Dan web

    Dan Allegretto lives in Brooklyn and has finally found his voice and is mortified to use it. He takes pictures and tweets.

    Sliding zeta jones

    Dan Knows Best

    Summer 2016 Trend Predictions

    Dan brings you his summer trend forecast which doesn’t matter and you should not even slightly consider reading

    Washington, DC. as a vacation destination
    falling into a ditch
    pricking your finger with a rose thorn
    doing to the batting cages
    sno cones
    getting that pilot’s license
    flat stomach!
    going out in the lower east side or chinatown and doing coke even if you’re in your late 30s
    reprimanding stand up comedians
    being sex positive but not owning a hula hoop
    sliding under a laser beam like Catherine Zeta Jones in Entrapment
    throwing a brick with love letter attached through your crush’s window
    ralph nader
    poison ivy
    think tanks
    yelling at your parents
    riding a carousel facing the opposite direction
    french culture unfortunately
    leaving a party when you see someone with rolling tobacco
    coloring with crayons
    googling “bitcoin” and figuring out whatever the shit that is
    treating life as a precious gift and not hurting others
    blowing on a blade of grass so it makes that noise
    anabolic steroids
    saying “turnt up” again
    absolutely plaguing your uber driver with personal probs
    doing your taxes from three years ago
    getting a topical infection at the water park
    making sexual advances at the guy who hates you
    mending a fence
    going down cellar
    getting slapped in the face with a giant fish
    becoming a grill master
    mixed martial arts
    changing your name to Chris
    ho ho’s and twinkies
    TFI Friday’s Jack Daniels sauce
    foot locker uniform
    working for the church and killing it
    hesitantly climbing into a hammock
    praying drake dies in a fiery car wreck
    slot machines
    cave dwellers
    grad school
    jacking off on the metro north
    thinking about why you have holes in your clothes but never see any moths flying around…
    chomping into a bar of soap
    charging your best friend a dollar for a cigarette
    clap on clap off lighting
    blue moon beer
    ancient secrets
    scented candles
    those cookies with the hershey kiss on top
    book mobiles
    bottling water from the dehumidifier and selling it
    realizing that you’re constantly clenching your asshole
    baking treats for a meme administrator
    making whoopee
    kony 2012
    the vine app
    clutching a rosary
    smashed potatoes
    umbrella hat
    open faced sandwiches
    being a bad girl who doesn’t get caught
    white water rafting
    honestly, santa hats
    being legit sad
    ignoring your t-zone
    one horse towns
    feverishly riding on the coattails of your show business friends
    pretending to know what “tapas” is
    being diligent that dinosaurs never walked the earth
    night caps (slouchy hat not drink)
    the game pick-up sticks
    having a sexual attraction towards crash bandicoot
    painting one nail like carson daly
    crapping your pants
    listening to music on the headphones
    bald eagle
    photographs of youth
    sprinkler systems
    maybe a watermelon salad
    pool noodle
    small bites
    unfortunate diving board mishap

    Back Issues

    read the full Mask Magazine back catalog

    Mask Magazine

    Mask Magazine


    Mask Magazine

    Send an email to yourself with resetting instructions

    loading ...