• The Carnal Issue

    My Favorite Restaurants in New York City

    The Carnal Issue

    Dan Knows Best

    My Favorite Restaurants in New York City

    Dan Allegretto knows where to find the best food in New York City at 3:00 am, cause he’s tried them all.

    The Popeye’s by My House

    Address: 1465 Myrtle Ave, Brooklyn, NY 11237
    Hours: 10:00 am–12:00 am
    Phone: (718) 381-9681
    Price: $$$$

    You’re not gonna want to skip this location if you’re a true Popeye’s fan. Its prime placement on Myrtle Avenue is just steps from the M at Knickerbocker and the L at Myrtle/Wyckoff. You have no excuse not to go! It features a beautiful porthole window which adds charm and something special to match the unique and masterful flavors of the food inside. Like many other Popeye’s the deals and specials are out of this goddamn world. Most recently, you can get a “Tackle Box” which includes mad pieces of shrimp, a side (I always do french fries!) and a biscuit. I believe the drink is an extra $1.29?.. I’m always too hungover and delirious to know what’s going on when I’m at this particular location because I can roll out of bed and snatch up some delicious fried food within an instant. 

    Oh, and the best part? No one goes here. Even during Teen Hour (weekdays between 2 and 4pm where teenagers rule the streets and take up the entire sidewalk and jump and flail around and strike each other) you can practically hear a pin drop. It’s clean and the staff is very friendly. The cashier always touches my hand for way too long giving me back my change. But like, I don’t care.

    My favorite thing is mixing buffalo sauce and the blackened ranch and dipping anything I can get my hands on into it. Yes sauce is extra and the price can add up but sorry.. maybe you should go back to college. 

    The Subway by My House

    Address: 1432 Myrtle Ave, Brooklyn, NY 11237
    Phone: (718) 443-1700
    Hours: 7:00 am–1:00 am
    Price: $$$$

    Yeah I know that Jared Fogle is a bastard, but I cannot quit eating these healthy and affordable sandwiches. This particular Subway franchise location happens to be on Myrtle Ave directly across the Popeye’s. It’s a tough decision, but I usually choose Subway when I’m on one of my little health kicks. This one is on the small side, but there is always a seat at the window, which lets in an almost ungodly amount of natural light. I always see groups of Fedex delivery guys up in here too which is so cool. They are hot. 

    My go-to sandwich is unconventional, just like me. “Footlong Italian herbs and cheese with a veggie patty please” I say to the man behind the counter (we are becoming very close friends). I am a faggot but I am not a vegetarian. I just like the patty. Not much more to say about that. 

    I point my finger to the shredded cheese blend and say “I’ll take some of that cheese blend too please.” I think it’s cheddar and some other shit? It gets the job done so it’s fine. 

    Alright now here’s where things get real interesting; the sauces. I mix the Creamy Sriracha with the Chipotle Southwest for a taste that is both spicy and tangy. My mouth is watering just thinking about it. Give it a try.

    One of the best Subways in the nation I swear to you. I’m so lucky to live nearby!

    The Burger King by My House

    Address: 1412 Myrtle Avenue, Brooklyn, NY 11237
    Phone: (718) 443-1001
    Hours: 7:00 am–3:00 am
    Price: $$$$

    One word: Stunning. I’m really gonna get fired up about this one. Have you seen it??? It’s Hollywood themed. There is a plaque of Jennifer Lopez next to the cashier and bathrooms (which are for customers only, don’t even think about it.) The booths are fun and themed. You can sit inside a classic yellow New York City taxi cab and enjoy your whopper or jalapeño chicken fries. I made a list of all the movie posters adorning the walls:

    The Green Mile (1999) starring Tom Hanks 
    Elizabeth (1998) starring Cate Blanchett
    End of Days (1999) starring Arnold Schwarzenegger 
    The Hurricane (1999) starring Denzel Washington

    This place is basically made for children. It includes a ball pit, slides, and plenty or room for your shitty kid to go on a rampage and terrorize the patrons. You’re going to want to avoid Teen Hour here; they hire a security guard for the afternoons because teenagers brain’s aren’t fully developed yet and they are completely out of control. It’s essentially 24 hours, except they close at 3am for a bit to clean and then reopen for breakfast. This usually means I will be drunk and pulling on the locked door over and over again on the verge of tears because I always forget. I hope you don’t make the same mistake. If you take the B54 bus here the stop is right in front of the entrance, so you can hop off the bus and mince across the sidewalk right on into the Burger King of your dreams.

    The food is always great and the fries are fresh. That manager really runs a tight ship over there. I usually get the double whopper meal medium with a Coke. There always seem to be an issue with the soda machines, unfortunately. Either low or out of ice, and improper soda mixtures in the fountains. But it’s still a risk worth taking considering the incredible atmosphere. 

    I need to check on this (do it yourself actually,) but, I’ve been told by a friend that this location d e l i v e r s. You heard me. Delivery Burger King. Sadly, it takes almost three hours which is fine because you should really have a damn good reason to skip out on the visual and sensory masterpiece that is The Hollywood Burger King in Bushwick. 

    The McDonald’s by My House

    Address: 428 Knickerbocker Ave, Brooklyn, NY 11237
    Phone: (718) 919-7660
    Hours: It’s hard to tell and they aren’t online
    Price: $$$$

    It kinda sucks honestly. I almost don’t want to attach a picture because I don’t like it here. There’s just nothing compelling about it. It’s cramped, always busy, and crust punks hang out under the awning. Nevertheless, I persist for the McPick 2. 

    The Halal Cart by the Hospital and My House

    Address: Wyckoff Ave, Brooklyn out front the hospital
    Phone: I don’t have the guy’s number
    Hours: After 4:00 am it gets risky
    Price: $$$$

    This is Bushwick’s best kept secret people. Parked right outside the Wyckoff Heights Hospital awaits the lunch of a lifetime. I get the chicken over rice about three times a week - red sauce and white sauce on top. Comes with a small salad of lettuce, tomato, onion, and sometimes green pepper if it’s your lucky day. The soda is never cold enough so I gotta grab one at any of the plethora of delis in the area. 

    I speak about it so much I created a hashtag for it #HCBTH (halal cart by the hospital). Feel free to go on social media and get that shit trending. This cart has been a blessing and a curse for me. One one hand, it’s nice to have a fantastic $6.00 lunch ($7.00 including what I believe is a mandatory tip) on the other hand, it’s hard for me to go to any other halal cart in the five boroughs. It feels like I’m cheating! I’m a bad person and will definitely cheat in my next relationship but it feels so much worse when it comes to The Cart.

    Doctors and nurses like to eat here too, so it can’t be that bad for you. One time I scoped out a hot doctor’s name tag and found him up on Facebook. Do not sleep on this gem.

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